Okay, so sex is a thing between some living things, right? Before I say this, I should say that not all people have sex and that there are asexuals who might not connect with this. Shout out to y’all and I want to make sure you are still thought of even during my thoughts about this topic. With that addressed, I want to talk about what sex means to me.
This isnʼt going to be graphic or specific, as I aim to discuss my ideals towards my personal sexual values (I am sure you have sexual values and I would love to hear about them). When I was younger, I used to think sex was either “good” or “bad.” We see this consistently in the media we consume and in our sex talk with friends. However, I now feel that sex is really just about compatibility. Do different identities (2 or more) align in values and desires? I am finally learning what I value and I want to share so I can get an interpersonal discussion from this.
- The effort. I want to be someone who contributes something towards the experience of having sex. When intimacy occurs, I want to have an active role in helping or experiencing sex with another. We all know those people who donʼt want to put in the effort of having sex…there are some who just want to take or receive (which I should note, is still totally valid).
However, when you are someone who values the visual or physical effort of sexual intimacy towards your direction, you might want to be with someone who feels the same. Otherwise, when you are with someone who does not provide effort in a manner that you appreciate or value, you feel unappreciated. You will give them your all and then afterward, they will take their sweet time to give it back.
You would be lying in bed and waiting for at least a back rub and they are brushing their teeth, picking up clothes and saying, “Oh, I gotta go feed the cat.” Come on, you know you can do that after the fact! Did I wait around to get you off? I wasnʼt saying, “Oh wait, I gotta go check the mail” before I went down on you for 30 minutes.
There ARE people who put in the effort to build experiences in a way that aligns with my physical and emotional compatibility. That is somebody I want to be with. Sometimes I just want to cuddle and make out. I love giving back scratches. I am willing to build that effort for what you want to experience. It is always cool when you find someone who wants to do that in return. It isn’t just about sex. It is about shared intimacy.
- You gotta be into learning and trying new things because come on…even when you are only fucking one person for the rest of your life, there are still sooooo many possibilities. So many.
And sure, you might be into one position and only do that one position for years. But you are missing out on the actual experience of learning something new about YOU through your connection with somebody else. There is a sense of vulnerability and respect that I feel just canʼt be replicated. That is a process I personally enjoy. The giggles and laughs, the pleasure and moans, the screams and embarrassing moments…you are learning about yourself with somebody else. Those are powerful moments.
As you discover new things in this process, you might discover you are not into some activities. That is okay! Your desires can also change depending on your always developing identity, external influences, and how comfortable you are with your partner(s). But you learn these preferences with someone you trust and they are doing the same. You both are taking a journey (in bed and possibly other locations).
- Physical vulnerability. I do not like my body. And chances are likely that you do not either. We are both in the process of learning how to do so. With that being established, I would like somebody who appreciates my physical features while I appreciate theirs.
It can last a lifetime for us to truly like our own bodies so when you find someone who actually DOES like what you have to give, definitely pick that up! You can teach yourself how to appreciate your body through the appreciation from your partner(s)!
The few things I like about myself now were actually established by what previous partners had been attracted to back then. These were people I trust and care about. I believe them. I appreciated their kindness and compliments. In return, I want to create an environment where somebody can trust me and feel comfortable being physically vulnerable. We can provide that kind of love for someone in our lives.
Peace and love,
Jazz Hands of Death