December 14, 2019

I love the sense of cohesion in public radio. You know that neighbors and people in your community are listening to exactly what you are listening to. I don’t feel a sense of community with other streaming services that exist today.

My favorite thing about public radio (specifically community radio) is the ability to learn. People should be able to have a voice over the air and into their communities. Creating something and sharing that with a specific group feels so empowering. Even if it is for drunk people on Saturday nights. That was my first public radio experience. College radio. Midnight to 2 AM on Saturday mornings in Lawrence, KS.

December 13, 2019

I did not journal yesterday due to yesterday being a great day. KC Tenants passed their bill in City Council. Making Moves #12 was one of the best shows of the year. I went to Denny’s with my best friend Beeh. We played Mario Kart with my crush. I got to fall asleep next to her. I was incredibly fortunate to wake up next to her when the sun began to rise.

I walked home this morning and I was happy.

December 10, 2019

Intergenerational friendships are important. I didn’t learn to value older lives until I began to befriend people older than me.

“What is the point of being old?”

I would say this shit all the time. I would blare “My Generation” by The Who in my earbuds as I cursed at the old Buhler community for “ruining the world.” Progressive people come from new generations, I believed. Little did I know that progressivism stacks on the shoulders of those before me. I would learn this from my best friend’s mother while attending middle school, my older friends in high school, and the adults I befriended in college.

My mindset back then was pretty ageist. I would foolishly say in middle school that we should kill people off at a certain older age, unaware that I was advocating for genocide. It wouldn’t be until I studied Thomas Malthus for high school for debate that I could see how fucked up that was… A college friend would later confirm this for me in an honest and relieving conversation in my late teens.

My mother’s parents, Iris and Don, live in an assisted living facility. Christine and Beto, my biological father’s parents, live in a defunct motel and depend on disability and social security funds. My current father’s parents can’t take care of their acreage anymore due to their old age. Very little family members see all of them. They are almost forgotten.

Aging takes everyone. It hurts to see Iris and Don when I see them. I can barely understand Don. Iris forgets everything. They are left with each other and their memories. Their social support networks are all but gone. They could use a lot of love in their life right now. So I try to see some of my grandparents when I can and take pictures to mark the last time I see them.

I cry when I leave Iris and Don or Beto and Christine. I don’t connect with my current father’s parents much.

When I am old, I hope I am still in a sound mind and body to be at family events until I die. And if I must be kept away for various reasons, I hope someone still comes and sees me.

Fighting against the aging of our bodies is something ALL human beings face. We should be more aware of other people’s experiences and find better solutions to take care of our elderly.

Peace and love,
Jazz Hands of Death


December 9, 2019

I am in bed with Muta and I am sick. I am also falling for the person I am seeing right now. Feeling connected with, and loved by, an amazing person can really make you feel stupid sometimes. I didn’t know I could feel genuinely interested and comfortable with someone like this. I guess I gotta keep learnin’.

“When this is over at least you know you had this, dude.”

Another less serious note, I have had her underwear in my backpack for days now. They are clean! I just keep forgetting to have my bag when I am with her.

December 8, 2019 (continued)

I am now naked in a bathtub to finish this entry.

  1. I was afraid to work on cars because I was afraid of being like my current father. At the time, I had no interest in respecting his traits outside of sports (which my other father was into). Around 10 years old, I used sports as a way to connect with the both of them when I was interested in being more like them. After a few years of chasing an interest in sports, and well into my early teens, I ditched sports and no longer considered any other interest of theirs due to my negative feelings toward them.Now that I look back, I wish I learned more from current father (like learning how to drive manual).
  2. I never appreciated gardening because I thought it was a waste of time. It was too cyclical for me (and this was way before I realized I loved operating in cycles). Also,  the early neighborhood shaming of our front yard in the small town of Buhler, KS motivated me to associate landscaping/gardening/lawns with judgment, fakeness, and rude people.
  3. I never enjoyed nature hiking because I did not see value in Kansas’ nature. I thought mountains were the only natural feature worthy of such interest (and this was AFTER I lived off of the Pacific Ocean as a child).
  4. I always wanted food to be perfect when you ordered it. Why spend time making it when you could get it prepped for you? This belief eroded in college but I feel to the other end of the spectrum: I no longer cared what my food tasted like. I focused more on the functionality of being fed than the experience of being fed. I now know you learn more about yourself through the experiences of learning how to cook for yourself and others.

December 8, 2019

Sometimes I wonder why there are certain hobbies or topics I am not well-versed on. Did I actively avoid these areas growing up?


If so, why?

December 7, 2019

It is easier to be yourself and it is easier to push yourself when you know someone caring has your back. Support builds communities. Support builds love. Support builds a life’s purpose.

Peace and love,
Jazz Hands of Death

December 6, 2019

I am so afraid of falling into the thought of “more is better.” Do I want to see the world, & soak in all the multiple experiences? See the Eiffel Tower, Venice, and the Egyptian Pyramids? How do these experiences actually teach me the daily experiences of those who surround themselves with these wonders? What does vacation travel actually teach me about how other people live?

To me, these tourist or romantic aspirations for “more experiences” are very surface level. And where do we draw the line of what experiences are enough? When you can’t afford to go anywhere? When your body and/or mind doesn’t allow you to view the world anymore?

When it comes to learning about myself and opening my world view, I follow “find more in less.” Sure, I could really enjoy Mulholland Drive in Santa Monica, Greenwich Village in NYC or the Mayan Temples. But can’t I find the same social and structural patterns by exploring my home in Kansas City? Or by trying the everyday experiences of the people who live in these faraway cities?

I see so many people who shit on Kansas City but haven’t explored all of its neighborhoods or learned why the city is structured the way it is…people need to build the agency to explore more.

Peace and love,
Jazz Hands of Death

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