MORNING SMILE (January 17, 2020)

Everybody deserves to wake up next to a smiling face.



Monk’s Parasite (January 13, 2020)

Midnight, January 13, 2020. Now playing is “Blue Monk” by Thelonious Monk.

This recent evening I watched Parasite for the second time and it made me sick. How long have the poor been seen as parasites? How long is it gonna take until we get our shit together and overcome the powers that be?

This atrocity has gone this long in the history of Earth, and I sometimes feel I have no reason to expect it to go any differently.

I feel the same about me. I have found a good rhythm. I have found an amazing person. But I feel my mental health dissolves what I love the most. How patient is this person going to be with the time alone I need to keep myself well?

This is one of many reasons why I feel I shouldn’t be close to people. Sometimes, I view myself as a parasite.

  1. Will they even see the world as I see it? How will they face the reality of despair when there is nowhere else to drain your brain?
  2. Will they still see me the same after they see me at my most vulnerable?

I am cold. I am constantly hurting. My lens is blue. And I don’t want to feel this anymore. Love or death. That is the only way out. So far I keep picking love.

Jazz Hands of Death

Empty (January 8, 2020)


say the white-passing man, who doesn’t always feel like a man, who actually looks like a boy, as he notices he is surrounded by many of Kansas City’s poorest individuals.

Transient individuals haul trash bags containing some of their only possessions as they march through the library, in pursuit of a place to relax and be themselves.

However, when this library’s doors close at 9:00 PM this evening, I have a car to walk towards. I have an apartment to sleep in and a bedroom ceiling leak to stare into.

Where do many of these valuable human beings go?

What is an enjoyment for me (the library) is a necessity for others. What is my place in that? Is it inherently selfish of me to be asking this question? Or does asking this question open my sense of understanding towards others?

How do I use my agency to redistribute what little wealth I have towards the benefits of others in greater need than I?

I read about the public housing that exists in Vienna and I could only dream of that happening here in Kansas City. What is a free bus route if there are no homes for people to go towards?

Today I have been incredibly depressed because I feel so empty. This is an empty attempt to describe how I feel.

With much emptiness,
Jazz Hands of Death

Speak to what you think (January 7, 2020)

He lies on his black, dusty futon as he feels the brisk wind brush against his body. On his porch at almost midnight this January evening, it only feels like the beginning of Fall. Thinking of the weather is too hard because it causes far too much anxiety.

“Stop eating meat,” he says.

“Recycle consistently,” he says.

“Save your money for the future,” he says.

“Fight for others because you will want them to fight for you,” he says.

“Actions speak louder than words,” he says.

Luckily, his willpower has allowed him to act as he speaks. However, does he speak to what he really thinks?

The light at the end of the tunnel is revolution. But that revolution will bring so much pain for millions of people in the process, including him. So what is he really preparing for? For the betterment of his society? Or for the wishful thinking that maybe a revolution isn’t necessary?

History says otherwise. Love while you can because you can’t love for much longer.

Jazz Hands of Death

No Longer Allowed (January 4, 2020)

I can’t find anything
What once was is no longer there
Toss and turn
Make me shake
What does it mean to be right here?

Read a book
Slapped a page
Went outside
Screamed out loud
Ignoring this phase is
no longer allowed.
Ignoring this phase is
no longer allowed.

All the black in the sea
My faith inside your arms is square
Up all night
There’s no bread
What once was is no longer there

Rode a bus
Held a hand
Stayed inside
I’m no man
Seeing your face is
no longer allowed.
Seeing your face is
no longer allowed.

Withering out, I’m far
In the heat of the night, you fly
Dig a dirt
Take a stand
What could feel can no longer hold

Once you cried
I knew why
Once I cried
I knew I lied
Avoiding this space is
no longer allowed.
Avoiding this space is
no longer allowed.

Your sad daze is
no longer allowed.
Your sad daze is
no longer allowed.

My strange face is
no longer allowed.
My strange face is
no longer allowed.

December 31, 2019

3:00 PM

I am lying in bed with my friends Mars as their partner Beeh dyes their hair. The two of them might have to move over the state line to Wyandotte County (The Dotte!) in order to get better medicare service apparently. I wonder what it means to be from The Dotte. What is the history there and how do people feel about their neighborhoods? I must look this up.

5:00 PM

I can’t find many reasons to look forward to my future. I don’t see myself amassing wealth. I don’t see myself with any solid future job prospects. While I feel I would be a great parent or married partner, I also don’t find that in my future either.

All of this is okay. I know what path I wish to follow and I do not want to give in to societal pressures to hit certain life goals by certain times. Marriage in my 20s? Nah. Three kids and a new car? No thanks. New games and materials from Amazon Prime? I prefer my old stuff.

Whatever comes will come and there is no reason in tying myself to long-term plans. I can have an idea of what I want but if things change, I need to accept that a plan can go wrong and I will still be okay. Should I really hold my friends, family, and partners to specific goals? I find people who do that to be hypocritical at times because everyone seems to struggle with holding themselves accountable. I just set myself up for disappointment when I try to hold others accountable.

All things will pass and my path will be given to me. I don’t run this system, I am only a person within it. My focus should be on walking any path given to me, still do what I think is right, and bring whoever with me.

I am currently happy where I am at. As long as I continue to work on how I feel about myself, whatever or whoever is added on to my equation will benefit from my happiness.

I cant share myself to give other people their happiness. But I can share my happiness with others to help them find their own happiness. Does that make sense?

Peace and love,
Jazz Hands of Death

December 29, 2019

For the past few years, I have been a huge advocate for the practice of retrospection…which I encourage as a step towards introspection. Because of this, I feel I have grown immensely, despite little to show for in terms of creating anything of my own. There wasn’t much direct documentation of this.

When I get high, I retrospect or read about the future. Instead, I want to create more. I need to create. Moreso now than ever before. I might finally be healthy enough to do it. So now I should act.

Finding ideas shouldn’t be a problem. The past few years of sitting has created many ideas. I must now remove these ideas from my mental shelf and bring them to the light.

Jazz Hands of Death.

December 28, 2019

Can you really enjoy something if you constantly fear losing it? As you sit and predict the day they die, a relationship with a grandparent could be stained. All of the time you spend with them is unfairly looked over because your mind is spending time and energy thinking…thinking about their death. You are not thinking about the current experiences you are having with them. If you love them, focus on them in the current experience.

I am guilty of this line of thought. Donald Logue is 87 years old and I have been expecting him to die for a while now. It made me view him differently. I have since changed this mindset and my time with him is much more fulfilling for the two of us.

What about when you are with a romantic partner? The feelings I have are intense and serious for the current person in my life right now. I am very much fascinated and amazed by this person. But their dating patterns have encouraged me to keep an open mind. They are an Aries and they love attention. They could most likely always have a new squeeze or love interest. They also have more open experiences than I and I don’t know if that is a lifestyle I need in my life.

The odds of them sticking around for a long time is slim because of this personality trait. And you know what? That is totally okay.

Just be thankful for what you get while you get it. And get it while you can.

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